Had a 2 hour mental exhaustion nap after work today so obviously now it is 3am and I am still awake and watching The Mindy Project.
It is my call-to-the-bar ceremony this afternoon and I never really thought it was a big deal, just something mandatory that seems sort of frivolous given it doesn’t actually confer unto me a different status… Buuuuut now I’m actually thinking about it and am bugging the hell out. Now I am at this point in my life that has always seemed so far away. I have a job where I can do real good for actual people, and I am so excited but doing this new thing will mean learning o be self-sufficient in every way. It took me until a couple of years ago to really grasp what it means to be in control of your life and make your own decisions (better late than never?). There are going to be so many changes in the next while and I feel like I need to remember to keep finding my value and fulfillment from my own decisions and my own self, instead of depending on my job/career/title/partner/other people for validation and happiness. I will need to remind myself of this a lot. Life has never felt richer than it does at this point and I think it’s because lately I have been working on making myself better instead of expecting happiness to be created for me. I’ll be working at this forever!
The ceremony tomorrow doesn’t do anything real but it marks the end of the part of my life that I feel was more or less mapped out for me. The fact that I know I have full ownership over my future from now on makes everything so different.
My biggest insecurity probably has to do with the monetary value of my cartoons. Whenever I respond to an enquiry with a(n unreasonably low) quote, I always expect a cop to like jump me and arrest me for being a huge fraud. “You can’t make money off your doodles!!! That doesn’t exist!!! YOU’RE TRICKING PEOPLE”
Preparing for my job in two days which involves a lot of family law legal aid files and psyching myself out to give people “advice” about their very real very immediate problems… is both exciting and absolutely terrifying…
I got a job. I am going to be a family lawyer. I can almost feel my life starting.